When Your Life Ceases To Be Interesting

Leaving Your Twenties And Entering Mid-Life Gracefully Does Not Have To Be The End Of The World

In my twenties, my life was full of stories filled with twists and turns; sparkles; peaks and valleys. The stories in my mind take this shape:

That’s right: The shape of a magnificent crystal with countless sides and edges and corners and (I’ll say it again because I’m not sure you heard me the first time) sparkles. You want an example*, and I get that. So here’s the story of how I met and started dating a man I’m going to call Boris. Come along with me on this crystal-shaped journey, won’t you?

Exactly three people had told me that I was destined to date Boris. We were both special education teachers, we both did comedy, we both wore glasses, and we had remarkably similar personalities. So when I finally met Boris at a party, I understood we were supposed to date, and so did he. The only thing I remember from the night we met was that I was wearing amazing salmon-toned silk shorts, and that I got six mosquito bites in the shape of a constellation on my ankle. I wish I could remember even one single thing about meeting Boris, but alas, I can only remember thinking, “I’m glad I met Boris on the night that I wore these hot silk shorts, because I look great; unless he noticed those mosquito bites on my ankle, but maybe he noticed them and thought they looked like a constellation.” It was an egotistical thought.

A week later, he took me as his date to a Halloween party that had punch that had dry ice in it, and taxidermied ravens. Then, I invited him to my house to watch Weird Al’s “UHF,” on a laptop, but sitting on opera theater seats from the 1920s that I’d found on side of the road (???!?!!!!!). I bought every kind of cardboard-box movie candy I could find at the candy store, and we ate until we got sick, and then we made out, which was uncomfortable over the hard metallic edges of those horrible opera seats. One time, Boris and his friend bought a bunch of laser tag guns off eBay from a laser tag place that went out of business. They invited all their friends to play laser tag Capture the Flag in City Park at night, and I saw a baby possum climbing a tree and got distracted and was a total detriment to my team. And then.