You Should Do A Nighttime Thing During The Day
I’m Sorry That I Will Have To Talk About My Period For 766 Words Before I Get To That, But It’s Absolutely Necessary, And You Will Survive
There’s no elegant way to say this: in the year 2000, I was pumped to get my period. It was the first time something that happened in movies happened in my actual life. And here’s what was true about my period: NOTHING IN THE MOVIES HAD PREPARED ME FOR IT!
I thought I was going to get, like, lovely vampire film blood — the thin kind, the consistency of water, odorless and texture-less. I thought the blood would come out for one day and deposit itself in a feminine gash upon a single Maxi pad in my underwear. I thought the Maxi pad wouldn’t be something I’d need to wear to bed, or something I’d think about in gym class. I thought I’d be able to see the egg in the blood, because it would be white, and the blood would be red, and weren’t humans not that different from chickens, in the end? I thought the egg and the blood and the maidenly Maxi pad would be the beginning, middle, and end of the period, and then it would be over for exactly thirty days, when it would predictably come again, like literal clockwork.
If your body does not have periods, or you aren’t terribly familiar with period-having bodies, allow me to expose the truth once and for all: I was wrong.
But I wasn’t disappointed to learn that I was wrong; I felt journalistic about it. Why weren’t we told? Wouldn’t everyone want to know? I started telling people, obsessively. I began a ‘zine, called “Period.,” whose mission was to demystify menstruation. There was exactly one issue due to (criminally) low readership. (Although I remember my mom was proud of me.)
Anyway, the one thing I remember enjoying researching for the ‘zine was about chocolate. I had read in Teen Magazine (this article is long gone and was probably never on the internet) that eating chocolate was actually factually good for period cramps. A quick Google in 2023 reveals that yes, studies suggest that eating small amounts of dark chocolate during your period can help reduce pain due to its high magnesium content. I was just starting to dabble in veganism at the time, and bought a bunch of…